i'm sorry it's been so long since i have actually posted something besides a picture, video or recipe. it's been a rough few weeks. i actually thought about taking my blog down because it was so boring. the panic attacks just got to be too much to handle. and i was at the point where i could not leave the house. even when i took monkey to pre-school i was getting all freaked out to be 4 miles from home. so i bit the bullet and went to the doctor. now i'm not afraid of doctors, it's just that we don't have any insurance and no spare $$. so my mom told me that she would pay for it. (thanks mom!) and let me tell you i was a wreck! his office is no where near my house and it was really rough getting there. he was sooo sweet! i told him everything that had been happening and what my symptoms were and he told me i have seasonal affective disorder. usually it starts when the days become shorter, which is when we found out my father-in-law didn't have much longer to live. and then the holidays, which are always stressful, and the decision to home school big c and my body just couldn't take anymore. i don't think i really grieved enough for paul and really let myself be sad. i was really trying to be strong for my husband and my mother-in-law. never a good idea to try to brush stuff like that off.
so the super sweet doctor gave me an anti-anxiety drug and something to help me sleep. i haven't had to take the sleeping pills but the other drugs are working wonders. for the first week all i wanted to do was stay in bed. and that really stunk because i was getting depressed about neglecting my kids. which i'm sure i wasn't but still it felt like i was just ignoring them. thank goodness they are such sweet, good boys and big c especially was a huge help with his brother so i could get better. and boy do i feel better! i'm sure in a few more days i will feel really, really good. but for now i can leave the house without shaking, i can swallow without feeling like i'm going to choke and go for hours without worrying that i'm going to have another panic attack!
thank you for sticking by me in my down time. and for forgiving me for not visiting your blogs!! i will get right on that! :)